Just some short stories
by LisaAbiona15
Summary: One-shots, drabbles and others about the Artemis Fowl characters. Rated T to be sure. Some A/H, later on.
1. Promised

**I am experiencing some trouble with a few of my stories, so I decided to write some one-shots/drabbles about Artemis Fowl. Some will be A/H. Probably no A/M since I don't like that pairing. Anyway I don't own Artemis Fowl and if you think I do; Get some glasses you idiot! I'm not Eoin fricking Colfer! There, I have said it. Enjoy!**

"No mother! I won't wear those poor substitute of garments. What is wrong with my suit? It is very sophisticated and I enjoy wearing it".

Artemis Fowl the second and his mother wear in his room, having one of their rare arguments. This time regarding a promise Artemis made some time ago. A promise he regretted now he saw the determined look in his mother's eyes.

Angeline sighed, but kept holding the jeans in front of him. " Come on Arty, you promised! It's the least you can do after lying to me, your own mother. After mesmerizing me and keeping so much secrets. Besides, you will look great in them". " No mother, I won't! You know I despise those _things _greatly". " Arty! You _are _going to wear them. You promised! And it isn't healthy to wear suits. Do I have to call your psychiatrist? I'm sure he agrees with me it isn't healthy to always wear suits".

Artemis sighed. " No mother. You do not have to call him. And face it, it is all nonsense he says. It won't help me in any way and I can't even tell him what happened the past years. He would postulate I finally lost it".

Angeline showed him the jeans again, with a stubborn expression. " Arty. Try them. You promised. Do I have to remind you?". Artemis looked at the jeans with a horrified expression. If anyone had seen his look, they would have thought he was looking at some worms he had to eat. " No mother. I am aware I promised you I would wear those atrocius garments".

With the same horrified expression, he grabbed the jeans. Angeline smiled and hugged him. " Good! I'm glad you will. And you promised another thing Arty".

Artemis look at her, with a frightened expression. His thoughts wandered back to what he had promised. He had been in another deadly situation that time and he hadn't had a lot of time to talk to his mother. He almost groaned when he remembered. He had promised her to wear a T-shirt too.

_Why does she torments me like this? _he thought with a little self-mockery. He knew he was being a little dramatic, but Artemis had never felt comfortable in 'normal' clothes like jeans. He felt comfortable in suits, they were more his style.

He focused on his mother again, deciding to act like he didn't remember. He honestly didn't want to wear a T-shirt with some nonsense on it. " What did I promise mother? I don't recall". Angeline smiled. " You promised to call me mam Arty".

Artemis almost let out a huge sigh. Almost. He smiled at his mother. " Sure... mom, I must have forgotten. My apologies".

Angeline rolled her eyes. " You could stop being this formal Arty. I'm your mother, not some business associate". Artemis smiled. " I know that mom. I will try". " Thankyou. And now go and change. I'm dying to see you in jeans. I'm sure you will look great".

Artemis sighed again and looked at the jeans. He hesitated, considering saying he had some meeting he had to go to, but knew his mother wouldn't fall for it. She was too smart. So he decided to wear the jeans. He owed her that much.

" Yes mot-mom I mean". Angeline smiled. She turned and sat down on his bed. " Just go change Arty. I will wait here".

Artemis nodded and walked into his bathroom. He had just changed, after a few d'arvits, into the dreaded jeans when his mother walked in.

He turned, startled, and paused when he saw her face. She was smiling, her eyes sparkling with some emotion that he didn't trust. She looked rather misschievious.

Artemis raised his eyebrows. " Mom. Why exactly are you in here?". Angeline smiled. " Oh nothing Arty. I forgot something that is all".

She looked at him, her eyes going up and down. Artemis blushed a little, feeling uncomfortable. " Well, what did you forget mom?".

Angeline smiled, her eyes still sparkling. Artemis felt his heart beat faster. He had an idea he wasn't going to like what was coming next. And he was right, of course. Because his mother showed him his what she had been holding behind her back; a T-shirt.

" Mother...". Angeline sighed. " Arty, what did I tell you?". Artemis sighed. " Fine. I will wear that ridiculous garment mom".

Angeline chuckled. " Now you sound like a real teenager Arty. Thank you". "De nada. Can you please leave now, so I can change?". Angeline laughed. " Shy Arty?" she teased.

" No, but I prefer to change while no one is looking at me". Angeline laughed again and gave him a kiss on his cheek. " Sure Arty. I will wait outside the bathroom".

Five minutes later, Artemis walked outside the bathroom and was immediately blinded by the flashlight of a camera. " Aw Arty! I knew you would look great" squeeled his mother, holding a camera in her hands.

Artemis stared at the camera. " Mom? What are you going to do with that picture?". Angeline smirked, the notorious smirk Artemis had used so often. " Make it our christmas card of course! Finally, I have a good picture of you". Needless to say, Artemis wasn't happen during Christmas.


	2. The feared Talk

**Sadly, I don't own Artemis Fowl. Eoin Colfer does. Meaning, I also don't own Artemis Fowl the second :( If I did, I would keep him in my closet. He would be all mine. Mwahahah. Ok. Enjoy this wahtever it is. One-shot. Probably. **

"Artemis, my son. We have to have a little... talk". Artemis Fowl ( the second) was currently in his father's studyroom. His father occupied the chair behind his desk. He looked rather uncomfortable and was looking at his son with a stern and serious expression.

But his eyes softened when he saw Artemis expression. When Artemis had been young, well younger, the only time he had to come to this room, was when there was something _really _urgent. His father had never really showed interest in him as human in that time. All he had been, was the person that had to take care of the family business when Artemis Fowl ( the first) was gone. And he had.

When his father disappaired, Artemis had been the one earning money. The way he had earned said money, wasn't exactly.. legal. Although it wasn't exactly illegal either.

After all, if any government or police or anything like that would hear how he had earned that money, all they would do was sent him to a psychiatrist. No one would believe he had actually earned gold by kidnapping a _fairy. _And on top of that, a fairy who was part of a society with high advanced technology. Technology that humans wouldn't have for centuries.

The only reason Artemis had believed the people existed, was because he had been twelve. And desperate. He had needed the money to search for his father. The same father that had been cold and businesslike before. The same father that had never truly treated him as a son, resulting in the cold and calculating _inhuman _boy he had been at the age of twelve.

And the same father that had changed so much when they had retrieved him. The father that was currently looking at him.

Artemis cleared his throat. " Yes father? What is that you feel you need to tell me? I'm listening". Artemis the first smiled, but it was a bitter smile. " Artemis. My son. You know there is no need to call me father anymore. You can call me dad. I have changed. I have realized how valuable you and your brothers are and hope for a healthy father-son relationship".

Artemis raised his eyebrows slightly. He still had to get used to this 'improved' version of his father. Before his disappearence , Artemis the first would never have allowed Artemis 2 to call him dad. He would have expected Artemis to appear in his best clothes. And he was.

He was in his best suit, his hair neatly combed. He hold his hands on his back, standing very much in the same position a soldier before his commander would be in. His father sighed when he saw that. " Artemis. Please sit down. And I'm serious, please call me dad".

Artemis sat down, crossing his legs. " There is no need whatsoever to call you dad, father. That isn't like me at all. I believe I prefer father" Artemis said.

His father smiled. " If you feel more comfortable that way, I won't force you. But Artemis, I hope things between us can change. I know I'm late , maybe too late with this, but I want to be a real father. I want you to know you can always count on you. And I hope you realize I love you, just like I love your brothers and mother".

Artemis actually was speechless for a short moment. Before he went missing, his father had never said anything like that. The only things he had said, had been about the family business. About what he expected Artemis to become. He had never showed any signs that he actually cared for his son.

Artemis smiled. " Thank you father. I appreciate that". His father chuckled. " Artemis, please. It is only normal for a father to love his child. You're acting like it is a privilige".

Artemis smiled back. " In a way, it is father. You never uttered those words before. I never expected you would". "Well, I mean them. I love all of you and I feel guilty about what I have done to you. But that isn't what I wanted to talk about". " What is it you wanted to talk about father?" Artemis asked, for now blissfully ignorant to what he was about to talk about.

His father looked away for a short time, looking very uncomfortable again. When he looked at Artemis again, he looked very uncomfortable. "Artemis. You have reached the age that we need to have a _certain _talk. And seeing it is the job of the father to indulge in this certain subject, I am here".

Artemis paled, having an idea of where this was about. " Father, it really isn't necessary to-" he tried, determined to stop this conversation. He _really _didn't want to have this conversation. Especially not with his father. Although there were persons that he would never want to talk to about this. Like a certain redhaired elf. Artemis shuddered if he thought about that. That would be even worse than this.

He looked at his father again, who looked determined. Artemis prayed he wouldn't continue, but the gods apparently decided they had saved his life often enough and just wanted to enjoy the show. So Artemis had to stay and engage in the worst conversation of his life.

His father seemed equally uncomfortable to have this conversation, making Artemis wonder why on earth he would do this. " You see Arty. When a man and a woman- Ehhm- Like each other, certain things can happen. It's just biology really and-".

" I know how it works father" Artemis interrupted, not willing to define the it. His father looked at him. " I already expected you would have read about it, but we still have to have this conversation. Every father does this. Besides, you can't learn everything from books Artemis. Some things, you can only learn from _doing _it".

Artemis flinched. That was a poor choice of words. And he was horrified when he thought about what his father meant. He couldn't mean, could he? Artemis looked at his father. " Father. Do you mean _you _want to give me tips or something?" he asked, horrified by the idea.

His father, looking more uncomfortable with every passing minute, nodded. " I do. You have to know some things Artemis. You have to know some things before .. it happens".

The next hour, was the longest, worst, most disgusting hour of Artemis' life. His father explained a lot of things, things that would be buried in Artemis' mind forever. That would haunt him. Maybe even give him nightmares. Sometimes, having a perfect memory _sucked. _

Artemis had one of hands closed tightly, hoping no one would try to decipher why. He walked towards the stairs, determined to look himself in his room for the rest of the day. He might even ask Foaly for a mind wipe. He really didn't want to remember that conversation. _Ever. _

Unfortunately, he bumped into his mother before he could reach the safety of his room. His mother smiled broadly. " Arty! How great to see you. You know, I wanted to talk to you". Artemis froze, praying his mother wasn't referring to what he thought she was. Was she going to put him in the same torture his father had?

" R-really mother? What is it?" he managed. His mother laughed. " Calm down Arty. I'm not going to kill you. I just wanted to ask how the conversation with your father went". " Y-you knew about it?".

His mother shrugged. " I was the one who came up with it. I thought you needed to know a little bit more. Maybe you will find a nice girl soon and-". " My apologies mother, I have to go. Goodbye".

Before his mother could say anything more, and probably give him more nightmares about it, he practically ran to his room.

Panting, he lay down on his bed. And, after making sure no one could come in, looked at the thing in his hand. The horrid thing called.. condom.


	3. No reason is , after all, a reason

**I don't own Artemis Fowl. If I did, I wouldn't be writing this.I would be busy writing other fantastic books :) Enjoy!**

" You know, you never actually told me _why _you don't like them". Artemis looked at Holly, who was watching a movie. They were watching a movie together, but Artemis had given up trying to feign interest in something he wasn't interested in ( this being one of these sappy, idiotic movies who earned millions and a lot of prizes like it was actually good instead of utter nonsense) and was now busy on his laptop.

Holly was looking expectantly at him, the movie forgotten for now. It had been her idea to watch it, but she seemed more interested in something else at the moment. That something else being the only moment Artemis Fowl had actually said something very he deeply regretted.

It had been the first time they met. Well, some time after it. The first time had been when he had seen her at that tree and commanded Butler to shoot her. Not your ordinary rendez-vous.

He had locked her in a room at Fowl manor, arrogant and convicned of his succes. When Holly had escaped the room , he still didn't understand he had underestimated the officer and overestimated himself. He only understood at the very moment Holly had actually hit him.

Artemis had never been hit in his life, which was only logical. Who would dare to hit the boy with the gargantuan, creepy bodyguard? But Butler hadn't been anywhere near and Artemis had been laying on the ground while Holly made a belittling remark and left.

And after Holly's belittling remark, he hadn't repeated with one of his smug remarks. No, he had said something he had never meant to say. Something that had made him feel _stupid. _It had been burned into his brains and he could never truly forget it.

And now, when he felt better about it, Holly dared to bring it up again. Years after the incident and when they were having one of their rare calm evenings.

Artemis had an idea why she had. Because Holly had insisted on some candy and other delicacies. She had reasoned you couldn't watch a movie without something eatable. It was part of the fun.

Artemis had tried to reason with her, explaining it wasn't necessarily fun to eat something while watching an idiotic movie, but Holly had looked at him like he was crazy. She had punched him and said he just didn't know what fun was. Artemis had pointed out he was a _genius _and it was practically part of him to know. And- well basically, this kept going until Artemis surrendered and admitted he couldn't win. Holly would just keep going until he agreed with her. No amount of knowledge would help him when dealing with captain Short. And that was the reason the table was full of popcorn, candy and crisps.

The crisps wasn't the reason Artemis was forced to answer her question, that unavoidable question, though. It wasn't the popcorn either. No, it was the candy. Because that candy included something that had made Artemis freeze and triggered his gag reflect. Because only the sight of that particulair piece of candy made him feel sick.

And of course, Holly had loved his expression when she showed him what she had brought along, with a proud expression. She had even mockingly said; " I promised you I would bring you some if you were a good boy. And Artemis, you have been a _very _good boy. Only to spend the next minutes laughing softly, with a triumphal expression on her face.

Artemis had feared she would say something more or, the horror!, offer him one, but she had just sat down. He had even slowly started to relax, hoping she wouldn't bring it on. But he didn't have that much luck.

Because right now, she was facing him with one of those _things_, those vile pieces of candy in her mouth. It made Artemis feel sick. He focused on her instead of his laptop and sighed. He knew he couldn't avoid the question forever. He was actually suprised she had never asked him this before. But then again, she was one of the only persons who ever managed to suprise him.

" Because they are disgusting" he said, while looking at the offending piece of candy like it was responsible for the phemenom war, racism, diseases and death. Like it was the source of all evil.

Holly raised her eyebrows and removed the lollipop from her mouth. She looked at it. And looked at Artemis again. " You ,the great Artemis Fowl, criminal mastermind and savior of an entire race, are getting so distressed because of a little piece of candy and the only explanation you have is that it is disgusting?".

Artemis pondered about this for a second before nodding. " Yes. That is my reason. Satisfied now you know it?".

Holly shook her head. " Nope. Because you reason isn't a reason at all". Artemis sighed. " That is debatable Holly. Every reason is a reason, you can't say it isn't a reason. You can say however, that it is a bad reason".

Holly rolled her eyes. " Thank you for elaborating that master Fowl. But you get what I mean and _you _are just trying to change the subject". " In fact, I am not. You asked me a question and I responded. There is nothing more to be said".

Holly laughed softly. " Oh, don't think I'm going easy on you just because we have been through some things. And I still believe you to tell me the reason. The real one".

Artemis sighed and looked at her. And was very displeased when he saw the look in her eyes. If she carried that particular look, he knew she wasn't going to let go. She would just keep going and going until he couldn't take it anymore and do what she wanted him to. Artemis was convinced Holly was great at interrogation.

" I just don't participate or delight in such a childish act Holly. I have never been an ordinary child and I dislike those _things _greatly. They have a bad influence on your teeth, are dangerous since they can cause you to choke and are overall just digusting. Honestly, I don't perceive why people enjoy them. They- Uhm"!

And that was the exactly moment Holly decided to stick her lollipop in his mouth, even if it was just to interrupt his lecture and be able to go back to the movie.

She smiled at him, or better yet his expression. " Suck it up Fowl". And took another lollipop from the bowl, unaware of the delighted smile on Artemis' face. " Maybe I do like lollipops after all".

**Hmm. I might do another one about lollipops. They are just such a wonderful subject :)**


	4. Something smelly

**I don't own Artemis Fowl. Eoin Colfer does. Enjoy!**

" D'arvit! D'arvit. D'arvit. D'ARVIT! Why on earth did this have to happen to me? A genius, who is reduced to filthy work like this!" Belinda, aka Opal Koboi, said.

The former pixie, crazy mastermind and owner of Kobal Laboratoria was in Italy. Or to be more precise, the sty of a vineyard in Italy. Which was the reason why she was in an extremely bad mood.

She, a genius with possibly the highest IQ ever, had to do work that was reserved for simpletons. Work that got her extremely dirty and was disgusting. The stench was so bad it almost made her faint. The pigs kept making annyoing noises and nothing would make them stop. She had tried everything. Shouting. Kicking. Hitting them with the pitchfork she was currently using to remove their excrement.

Opal, she decided, _hated _pigs. They were disgusting, useless, obtuse creatures. She didn't understand why the owner of the vineyard, who she now had to call mother, kept them.

The only use Opal saw for them, was to eat them. She had never actually eaten meat, and wouldn't normally, but she hated those pigs enough to delight the sole idea of eating them. It would serve them right, those vile creatures. It was their fault she had to do this work. They were disgusting.

From all the work she had to do, and her ' mother' forced her to do a lot, Opal hated cleaning the sty the most. The stench, both from the pig exrement and the pigs, was bad enough on it's own. But it was also a lot of work and Opal hated working as much as she hated Foaly. And she hated Foaly so much, that it had literally driven her crazy. Well, that and some other things.

"D'arvit" Opal cursed again when one pigs starting rolling in the remainer of the excrement. Knowing her 'mother' , Opal would end up giving all the pigs a bath after finsihing all her tasks. Her mother wanted them to be clean. While Opal didn't even think pigs were capable of being clean.

She looked at the guilty pig, who was enjoying himself by rolling in poop. " You're disgusting" she spat. "Yeah! This is fun" was the only thing the pig said in respond. And kept rolling in the excrement.

Opal's magic was gone, but she could still understand most foreign languages and animals. Which wasn't really of any significance. She had no desire whatsoever to understand pigs. They were disgusting, obtuse and just annoying. All they spoke about, was food, mudd and other things to roll in and sleeping. Opal got headaches listening to their insignificant babbling.

She only enjoyed listening to intelligent conversations, not just mindless nonsense from some stupid pigs. But she was forced to listen. Just like she was forced to work.

Opal sighed. _How has it come to this? Me, working. Working is something for simpletons, for obtuse, abortive people. I'm a genius. I deserve so much more. And yet, her I am, cleaning a sty. And I don't even have any truffles to decrease the torture._

" D'arvitting Artemis Fowl. And his obtuse, little friend Holly Short. And all the others! I will get them. I will torture them, break them. I will make them cry, take everything they love. They might have won the war, but I have already won the battle. Julius is dead. And I will the rest. It's only a matter of time" she said, talking to herself. She spent a lot of time doing that lately.

She was the only person to understand herself anyway. All the other creatures were just obtuse, they didn't understand her genius. They were like her father, scared of her intellect. She would show them. She would let them bow for her. She would have them all as her slaves. Soon.

The pigs observed her while she cleaned the sty, all the time muttering to herself. Opal believed they were stupid, but they weren't. Pigs are actually quite smart. So they understood what she was saying. Well, not exactly the words , but the general meaning. Something about revenge, world control and others.

They didn't like her. She was very mean to them, screaming and hitting them. Always saying they were obtuse and filthy. They weren't. Maybe they weren't as smart as her, but they were still smart. And only a few pigs enjoyed rolling in excrement. The pigs that weren't as smart as the others. And mainly because it cooled them down. Or because they were bored.

So when the pigs saw the faraway glance in Opal's eyes, they started to make a plan. A plan for revenge...

Opal didn't notice the pigs whispering to each other, planning her forthcoming doom, since she was too busy in the conversation with herself. " I know. I know. Our next plan has to be perfect. Artemis Fowl won't win this time. We will plan his doom. It will be delightful" she muttered, actually changing her voice and responding to herself.

She was so busy with the 'conversation', she didn't see it coming. It being one of the pigs who had been chosen to execute the plan. He ran towards her and bumped into her, causing her to fall.

Opal had just time to scream before she fell forward, right into a pile of poop. When she managed to free her face from all the pig excrement, she almost threw up. Her entire face was covered in poop, including her mouth. The stench and the taste were unbearable to Opal. And it was humiliating.

Spluttering and cursing, she wiped her face. She got up, her eyes full of hate and anger. " YOU ARE GOING TO PAY FOR THIS, OBTUSE ANIMALS! I WILL MAKE SURE-".

That was as far as she got before the pigs ran towards her and pushed her back into the pile of poop before sitting down on her.

One pig sat down on her face and.. farted.

When Belinda's mother come to the sty to check on Belinda, she found her passed out, covered in poop. And the pigs seemed to smile...

**Haha, just had to do this. I re-read the Opal deception and discovered the lady who found her after her escape, kept pigs. And this was born.**


	5. Quotes

**Unbelievable. I'm having writor block over this, which I used to get rid of writior block. D'arvit! This will be something that suddenly occured at me at 5 o'clock. Maybe I should go to bed earlier.. Nah. Don't feel like it. Anyway, I don't own Artemis Fowl. Enjoy!**

**Artemis Fowl; **

**Root: When I looked that human in the face, I figured he was either a genius or crazy.**

**Foaly: So which is it? A genius or crazy?**

**Root: What's the difference?**

Pirates of the caribbean;

Will Turner; This is either madness or brilliance

Jack Sparrow; It is remarkable how often those two traits coincide

See the similairity? Another prove Artemis Fowl is amazing, cause he is a bit like Jack Sparrow. So amazing... Hmm. I wonder what Artemis Fowl would look like dressed up as a pirate. I bet he would be really hot..

**Butler: Right, enough talk. I think it's time Mister Vassikin was introduced to my friend, Mister Fist.**

Me; Is Mister Fist you're right or left fist? I'm a little bit confused. Which one do you use to hit someone with?

**Foaly: You see, Mud Boy, goblins are stupid. I'm not insulting them. It's a proven fact. Brains no bigger than rats. One of the Goblin's generals, and this is their top fairy, was caught trying to pass off a forged credit card by signing his own name.**

Size of a human brain; 15 centimeters. Volume is something entirely different, like 1200 cubic centimeters. Size of the biggest rat; approximately 82 centimeters. Wow. Goblins have very big brains. Shouldn't they be smart then? Or is it the case that having a larger brain, actually means you're stupid?

**Root: Goblins. Evolution's little joke. Take the dumbest creatures under the earth and give them the power to conjure fire.**

They will set themselves and everyone around them on fire. Another joke of evolution; let two species evolute. One becomes the Homo sapiens, or in other words humans, and the other's become apes. The homo sapiens have the brains to make weapons and destroy each other or use their advanced technology to make peace and a perfect world. They choose war and destruction. The apes however, choose to eat each other brains. ( This is really true, I saw it once on discovery channel. Or animal planet. One of the two)

**Artemis: I never tell anybody exactly how clever I am. They would be too scared.**

Me; nodding. Exactly. That's very clever Artemis. How clever exactly are you?

**Artemis : Mister Spiro, Jon. I am not a complete idiot.**

Me; So you are an idiot, just not a complete idiot?

**Jerbal Argon: Sorry, I panicked. If we lost Koboi, the clinic would never live it down. I'm just a little paranoid, I suppose. Faces can be changed, but...**

**Merv and Scant: (together) ...DNA never lies**

**Grub Kelp: I think Doctor Argon needs a little vacation.**

I think it can never be good for any creature to spend his days in a clinic filled with crazy people...

**Holly: Seven and a half hours to save the world. Isn't there some law that says we get twenty-four?**

**Artemis I don't think Opal pays much attention to laws.**

What gave it away? The fact she has ignored practically every law existing?

**Holly: What color is the uniform?**

**Foaly: Matte black.**

**Holly: I'm in.**

Artemis was right, like always. She really is a black widow.

**Holly: I was turning into an adolescent, now that was gross.**

Tell me about it. It is beyond gross. It's disgusting.

**Artemis: Holly, how did you find me?**

**Holly: Oh, I saw a huge explosion and wondered: now, who could that be?**

Combustion man! Run for your lives! ( character Avatar the last airbender)

**N°1: We´re going upstairs? Didn´t that young lady tell you not to allow me upstairs?**

**Artemis: How long have you known me, Number One?**

**N°1: Ah, I see. Artemis Fowl never does what he is told to do.**

Unless it is his mother who tells him to do something. She even gets him to wear jeans. Very impressive.

**Holly: (in mock horror) Are you suggesting that I occasionally stray away from the rulebook?**

**Foaly: No, I'm suggesting that you do not own a copy of the rule book and if you do, you have certainly never opened it.**

I just think this one is funny. Don't really have anything to add to it:)

**"Humm humm haaa. Rahmumm humm haaaa," intoned Opal, finishing her chant. "Peace be inside me, tolerance all around me, forgiveness in my path. Now, Mervall, show me where the filthy human is so that I may feed him his organs." **

Hilarious. You know, for such a smart person, Opal really doesn't get the idea of meditation. And have a feeling she doesn't know what peace, tolerance and forgiveness means. It certainly doesn't mean feeding a mudboy his own organs. Which is impossible anyway.

**"I bet," said Mulch, "that you would set the world on fire just to watch it burn."**  
**Opal tapped the suggestion into a small electronic notepad on her pocket computer.**  
**Thanks for that. Now, tell me everything." **

I bet that would be pretty awesome to see. Except if you set the world on fire, you sort of set yourself on fire, because everyone will be burned.

**"They have gone. And the tunnel is about to close. So, boys, I am looking for someone to blame."**

**Don't look at me! I didn't do it. **

**"Play along, the wink said. I'll get you out of this.**

**At least Artemis hoped this was what his wink communicated and not something like 'Any chance of another kiss later?" **

Probably not Arty. She said your elf-kissing days were over. But then again, she also changed her mind about you. She actually became your friend while you kidnapped her, brought her entire race in danger and forced her to cut off a thumb. I personally would have killed you if you tried any of these. Maybe your elf-kissing days aren't over after all.

**"Of course I saved you," she said. "I couldn't do without you." And because she was happy and flushed with magic, Holly leaned down and kissed Artemis, magic sparking around the contact like tiny fireworks." **

**Calm down Holly. You already saved him, he isn't drowning or something. He doesn't need mouth-to-mouth or anything. And he isn't sleeping beauty either.**

**"It looks like you've found an intellectual equal, Mulch," said Holly. "It's a pity he isn't a girl; then you could marry him."**

**Mulch imitated shock. "Romance outside your species. Now THAT's disgusting. What kind of weirdo would kiss someone when they weren't even part of the same species?" **

He can still marry JayJay, if he likes him. Really likes him. Wait. If JayJay looks like commander Root, would that mean he married a substitute of Root and have secretly been in love with Julius for years? Wow. Deep thinking... Truffles!


	6. The rules

**I don't own Artemis Fowl, which breaks my heart.. I don't own any of ****them :( *sigh*. Well, at least I have this. Enjoy!**

_The _rules- The only rules that count, because her majesty Opal decided these would be the rules

Rule one- Bow before her majesty, world empress Opal.

Punishment when you don't; you're spine will be broken, so you will have to bow. No exceptions.

Rule two- Don't ever look into her majesty's eyes. This is vey bad for her skin. And she doesn't want to be affected by the simplicity clear in your eyes.

Punishment; Her majesty will kindly assure your sight will be taken away forever. Maybe by stitching your eyes closed.

Rule three- Don't fart anywhere near her majesty. It's disgusting.

Punishment; You will have to clean toilets for the rest of your miserable, worthless life. With your toothbrush.

Rule four- Don't think too loudly, anywhere near her majesty. Better yet, don't think at all. Unless she says you have to think, then think.

Punishment; She will personally harvest your brain. Not that she will use the fluid, since the you are too stupid to be of any value.

Rule five- Don't touch her food when you are preparing it. She doesn't need your filthy bacteria to infiltrate her food.

Punishment; She will bring you to a doctor to assure your taste buds will be deleted.

Rule six- Do not use foul language near her. It hurts her perfect ears.

Punishment; You will have get classes to learn to talk properly, using electricity to improve your learning process.

Rule seven- Always compliment her majesty on her clothes and appearance. Just don't ever expect she will be grateful for this or actually say something back.

Punishment; You will be locked in a cage together with a red river hog.

Do remember these rules change all the time and new rules are added. The punishment can be changed too, according to what her majesty decids.

A word of advice; don't anger her. Unless you're even crazier than her. And never call her crazy or paranoid. She might be able to read your thoughts.

The thought behind these rules is that miss Koboi, future world empress, is perfect. She never makes mistakes, other though and ruin everything. She isn't crazy, other are and just don't recognize her potential. She is the most beautiful and absolutely _not _captain Short. Holly Short is nothing compared to her majesty.

One more thing; good luck. You will need it when dealing with her majesty.


	7. The horrible truth

*** Sigh * Okay people, even though it breaks my heart every time I have to say it.. I don't own Artemis Fowl. Eoin Colfer owns Artemis Fowl. I don't own Artemis Fowl. There. You made me say it three times. Happy? If you aren't, at least try to enjoy this story will you? **

_The time paradox, page 292; " And Merval?" " Miss Koboi?" " I think little Descant has a crush on me. He told me earlier that I was vey phototractive. Poor little simpleton. Could you tell him that I am unavailable? If you don't, I shall have to have him killed." Merv sighed. " I shall tell him, Miss Koboi. I feel sure he will be disconnipted". _

Everyone knew that Opal is just being arrogant and Discant doesn't like her, since she is crazy, cruel, mean, annoying etcetera. But what if he was? And what if his brother told him Opal wasn't available? What would be his reaction? Would he accept it? Or try to change Opal's mind?

Merval sighed. " I shall tell him, Miss Koboi. I feel sure he will be disconnipted. Opal answered without even looking at him, thus feeling to read his expression that clearly said she was crazy for believing this. " Good. It would be very annoying to have to kill him. I don't time for murder right now. Unless it is that infuriating mud boy, of course. Then I have all the time of the world".

She made a giggling sound, almost like she was just another woman, instead of the crazy, ambitious pixie she actually was. " Quite literally in fact". Merval frowned. " What do you mean?".

Opal looked at him and sighed. " You can be just as annoying and useless as you brother sometimes. Neither of you ever truly grasp the my brilliant plans. And time stream? So I have all the time of the world, because I can travel through time and change it?".

Merval nodded enthusiastically, already regretting his question. Opal hated it when he interrupted her. Who knew what she might do. " Of course miss Koboi. Very impressive you noticed. And amusing".

Opal looked at him briefly, already walking away. She raised her eyebrows slightly. " Would you have expected anything different?".

Merval swallowed, with difficulty. He had no doubts about how lethal the pixie could be. She wasn't only very, very smart, but also had a temper. Practically everything made her angry, from forgetting to compliment her to failing at a task, and the punishment was very harsh. Opal had strcit rules, with various punishments. And he didn't want to have to deal with one of those punishments. So he was quick to reassure the pixie.

" Of course not miss Koboi! All you say is perfect and brilliant, just like you". Opal nodded. " Exactly. I am perfect and perfect doesn't have any mistakes. Don't forget that Merval. And don't be stupid and fall in love with me like your brother, because I don't like you. I like monkey excrement more than you". That was all she said before turning her back on him and walking away.

Merval sighed. _I wonder how my life would be if I didn't have to listen to that crazy pixie. A whole lot better, I imagine. Her insults are starting to get really annoying. Well, at least she didn't punish me. Like she did with Descant. _

He started to walk, knowing where Descant would be. The twins had a little room for themselves and he was sure Descant would be there. Probably to recover from his little trip to the cage with the red river hog. Not a pleasant experience.

But then again, working with Opal was anything but pleasant. The only pleasant thing about it, was in fact the astronomical wage. That was all that prevented him from leaving. Well, that and the fear Opal would take revenge if he dared to leave her. Which she probably would.

_I wonder if Descant feels better. He looked quite shaken-up from his meeting with that red river hog. Maybe the news that Opal thinks he likes her, will make him feel better. That pixie seriously needs a smaller ego. This one is so big it might explode. She is not even his type. Besides, who would someone like her? _

With this in his mind, Merval walked into the room where is brother was. He saw his brother sitting on the only chair in the room, his head in his hands. He didn't look up when Merval entered.

Merval walked towards his brother and gave him a small punch. " He bro! Everything all right? That red river hog didn't hurt you too much, did it?". Decant shrugged. " I'm all right, I guess. Not the worst punishment I received from her".

Merval winched. That was true. Opal was a true master at coming up with punishments. She seemed to enjoy it, laughing whenever someone got hurt. Another sign of her true nature. She wasn't the pixie people believed her to be. Not that she would reveal that without being ready for it.

Merval looked at his brother, who looked rather depressed. Maybe Opal's comment would cheer him up. " Hey brother. I have something that will make you smile, at the very least. Guess what? Miss Koboi thinks you have a crush on her! Isn't it hilarious? To think you would actually _like _her".

Merval started laughing, but noticed soon his twin wasn't joining in the laughter. He didn't show anything, but his ears were slightly red and he seemed rather tense.

Merval frowned. Why wasn't his brother laughing? He thought it was funny. He lightly touched Descant's shoulder. " Say something already will you? The red river hog wasn't that bad, was it? I really expected my news would cheer you up".

Descant finally looked up. " E-eh. Yes, it's very funny indeed. What exactly did she say?". Merval shrugged. " She said she believed you had a crush on her and that I should tell you she isn't available".

He chuckled. " Like someone would ever actually like her". He expected Descant to start laughing and joking, like they normally did together, but he didn't. He just sat there.

Merval sighed. What was wrong with Descant this time. He looked at Decant, who seemed to be actually thinking about this. He looked up to his brother, his jaw clenched.

" Why? Why isn't she available? Does she had someone?". Merval shrugged. " I don't think so. If she is in love, it is with herself. It is the only person she ever talks about. But why would you care?".

Descant looked away, clearing his throat. " Nothing" he said. Merval wasn't fooled. They were twins. There was little his brother could keep from him. So he realized the truth approximately two seconds later. And widened his eyes when he did.

" You- You like her !" he said accusingly, not wanting to believe it. But he knew his brother too well. It was the truth, the horrible, horrible truth. His _brother _liked Opal Koboi.

Descant looked at him. He finally managed to overcome his stupor. " How couldn't I! She is beautiful, smart and-". " And crazy, paranoid, cruel, hea-". " SHUT UP! You are talking about the love of my life!". " I AM TALKING ABOUT OUR CRAZY BOSS" ! " Shut up!". " You are just as crazy as her if you like her! She is a mean, heartless, cruel-" " YOU ARE GONNA PAY FOR THAT!".

In no time, the two twins were engaged in the typical fight between siblings. Insults were hurt, fists made contact with skin, teeth were bared, they were rolling over the floor.

Right when Merval was on top of Descant, ready to finish him, Opal walked in. She raised her eyebrows when Merval spit in Descant's eye, making the pixie roar. He was really angry.

" Let me go! That is disgusting". " Apologize!". " I will if you take it back!". " I-".

Opal cleared her throat. They both looked at her, their faces immediately losing all color. Opal smiled, satisfied she had their undivided attention.

" Listen, you simpletons. We aren't here to play some silly game. We have to catch that mud boy, so I can feed him his organs. Stop this foolish game or I will feed you your organs".

With that, she turned and walked towards the door. Right before she walked outside, she turned and sighed. " And I know I am just perfect and astonishly beautiful, but I had warned you to leave me alone. So stop fighting already, I am unavailable". With that being said, the pixie left, leaving two stunned men behind.

**Haha. Another one about Opal. Sort of. I read this in the time paradox and decided it was perfect. The next time, it won't have to do anything with Opal. I actually enjoy reading about her, but she can be a little bit too much... **


	8. If only, if only

**I don't own Artemis Fowl. Not the mudboy/man, obviously since he is Artemis Fowl the second, his father or the series. Nope. Hope you enjoy!**

_Duting the Time Paradox, it all happened. Holly kissed Artemis, the thing all true A/H fans had been waiting for forever. Sadly, Artemis lied to her, deceived her and his elf-kissing days were over before they truly began. Later in the time paradox, on page 357 to be precise, Artemis thought something while he watched Holly walking towards the main doors of his manor. If only. If only. But what did he mean with this. Did he mean if only I hadn't lied to her? Or did he mean something else?_

Artemis watched as Holly strode to the main doors of Fowl manor. He looked at her small, but strong figure. He looked at her auburn hair, her hips, her legs. At her. And he regretted it.

He regretted his lie so much. He didn't think he had ever felt so much regret. _But I had to do it right? I had to lie to her in order to save my mother. _That might be the truth, but it didn't make Artemis feel any less horrible. He felt guilty, mad and even obtuse. He had ruined everything with this lie.

He had lied so many times, to so many people. He had lied to his mother countless times. About his whereabouts, about what he did after school, about fairies. He had even mesmerized his parents, made them believe so many lies. And now he had lied to Holly. Again.

He had lied to her before, but none of those lies had proven to be as disastrous as this one. He would never forget the look in Holly's mismatched eyes, eyes of which one had been his own, when he had told her.

He had done the right thing of course. He couldn't keep on lying. That would make matters only worse. But it made him feel horrible. _I never felt this bad about lying in the past. I truly have changed, haven't I? All thanks to Holly. Who know where I would be, who I would, be without here. _

**And yet, you have lied to her. Hurt her, the person you care so much about. The first person to deserve your trust and honesty **a little voice in the back of his mind said.

Artemis sighed. Great. Now he was hearing voices in his head. If this continued, he would end up talking to one of those poor excuses of therapists. Those imcompetent idiots who would ask him questions that were in some book. Some book he had read and he would know the answers. _Never again. They won't help me anyway. Although if it could fix things between Holly and me, I would do it. If I would get rid of all this guild and regret. _

Artemis was shocked to realize he, the great Artemis Fowl, was having thoughts like this. Sentimental nonsense it was and normally, he would never bother to think like this. But since his rendez-vous with Holly, nothing had been the same. She had managed to change him like he would have thought impossible. And now, he had ruined it.

Artemis sighed again. He brought his hand to his lips, which were tingling when he thought back of a certain moment in the past. That moment in the gorilla cage.

_She has saved my life again. She went to the past for me, putting herself in danger once again, faced so many problems and I repay her with lying. I will probably never get that hurt look out of my mind. _And he wouldn't. Artemis Fowl had never been more sure of anything. He would never forget the moment the look in her eyes changed.

One moment, she had been hopeful and expecting and the next moment hurt. It had only lasted a second, after that her face could have been made out of stone, but that second had been enough. Artemis had seen just how much he had hurt her. And he understood. He really did. But he couldn't change his actions.

_No more elf-kissing for me. Not in this time. Maybe in another time? _Artemis pondered about this. Maybe there were other possibilities. He had missed the greatest chance of his life, but there might be another one. Who knew.

He smiled faintly when a thought struck him. _It was like she kissed me awake, like sleeping beauty. _He almost chuckled at this thought. Almost. It was amusing. Holly as the princess and he as the sleeping prince.

Artemis looked at Holly once again, picturing an and they lived happily ever after, but he couldn't. Not anymore. Not now he had ruined it all and betrayed her. She would never let him. He sighed. If only. If only.

**Well? What do you think? Is it horrible? Just something I came up with. While I have testweek tomorrow haha. Anyway, this was somehow one-sided. I will try to make the next one real AxH fluff. If I am able to write something like that. I have to admit, I never really tried. **


	9. Modelling

**I don't own Artemis Fowl. * Sigh* Eoin Colfer does. Enjoy! And my inspiration for this fanfic was a painting on deviantart; **** art/Oh-Arty-292707332****.**

" Aaaartemis! Open that door will you?" Holly yelled, trying to get the notorious mastermind out of the bathroom. This might seem very weird and illogical, but there was a very good reason he wouldn't come out. And it wasn't that he had some trouble with his intestines and was stuck on the toilet. The very idea would make the teen genius nauseous. If he wasn't in the bathroom, refusing to come out. Like he had been for roughly an hour.

Holly knocked on the door again, with more force this time. Even she couldn't break the door down, so she had to wait until he came out on his own. " Artemis! You promised! Come out of stupid bathroom. By Frond, don't be such a wimp!".

There was silence for a moment. Then, Artemis spoke. He wouldn't allow Holly to offend him like that. " Your preposterous assumation is wrong Holly. I am not, like you put it, a wimp. All my actions in the past will prove I am capable of facing danger without showing any sign of fear. And I won't come out! You can't force me!".

Holly sighed and rolled her eyes. Artemis could be many things, but she had never considered him childish until now. To freak out over something like this. " Well, that may be, but you are acting like a little child Artemis! To hide for something like this. Never thought I would see the day Artemis Fowl looked him in a room and actually acted like a little child. I bet you didn't even behave like a toddler when you were one". " Depends on what you consider normal behaviour for a toddler. And I am not hiding. I am merely trying to avoid such utter embaressment. You will have to leave eventually!". " Well, you can't stay in there forever. You don't even have food. And now come out or I will use my neutrino to destroy your door". " You are not allowed to do so and even you aren't that ruthless". " Well I have enough of this. And you promised! Would your mother like it if you broke a promise? To me, who had saved her life and your life".

Holly was getting impatient and decided to try something else. Artemis was a genius and would know where she was playing at, but maybe it would still convince him to leave the bathroom. His mother was a weak spot after all. He still felt guilty about lying to her, mesmerizing to her and all the other stuff he had done.

It was silent for a few seconds, Artemis no doubt going over all his options. Contemplating any escape route. " I didn't promise anything! You lured me into your trap!" he finally answered, his tone accusing.

Holly rolled her eyes. " I didn't. And now come out!". "No! You can't force me. And you will have to leave eventually, you weren't allowed to stay for a very long period of time above ground".

Holly cursed. She hadn't thought about that. The mud boy was right. She couldn't stay for long. But there was _no _way she was going to miss this. Never.

So she took a deep breath and looked at the door. There was no way she could use her foot to bring it down. She might be a trained officer, but that thing was _huge_. And made of some very strong material.

Even Butler wouldn't be able to smash it. And he was a mountain of power, a lot bigger than Holly. So she pulled her neutrino and aimed for the weak spot of the door. Her helmet, which she was wearing, had had a function that made it possible for her to see weak spots like that. To put it simple. The real way it worked was a lot more complicated. And would take a lot more time.

She fired and gave the door a good kick, immediately jumping out of the way. The door fell and Holly gave a triumphant scream. Now she had him!

She ran inside, pointing her neutrino at the mudboy inside. Artemis stared at her, his eyes helding a deer in the headlichts expression. " Holly. You can't seriously-" he started.

Holly smirked. For once, Artemis would lose. " Stand back mudboy. You don't know what you are dealing with". Artemis sighed. " Very amusing Holly". Holly shrugged. " I would have been able to get away. The only reason you managed to capture me is because you had Butler at your side".

" I'm well aware. Let me guess, you won't listen to parlay?". Holly chuckled. " Absolutely not. And now walk Arty".

Artemis started walking, after another glance at Holly. He looked far from happy. " Really Holly, I don't get why-". " Just shut up. You have lost Arty. I will make sure you keep to your promise".

Artemis sighed. " I didn't promise anything!". " Shut up. And you did. You promised to do this if Foaly managed to solve that problem before you. And he did".

Artemis raised an eyebrow. " Where is that centaur anyway? I would have contemplated he wouldn't want to miss this. And he only solved it before me because my mind was occupied with something else".

Holly smirked. " Oh he will see this. That's why I am here. To make sure you actually do it and to record it. And because I want to see it myself of course. Wouldn't want to miss it".

" Sadist" Artemis muttered.

Holly rolled her eyes. " You are acting like I'm bringing you to the gallows Arty". Artemis sighed. " I would prefer the gallows over this. Not that it will ever happen, seeing I stopped my illegal activities and gallows aren't even used anymore. Besides, all the illigal activities I undertake aren't so serious I would be sentenced to death. And they don't even do that in Ireland".

" Yeah. Yeah. Very interesting. Less talking, more walking". Artemis wanted to protest, but decided he would just shut up. They had already arrived at their destination anyway.

Their destination was the main hall, where Butler, Juliet and a photographer were waiting. The photographer being Mulch, who was smiling. Artemis' parents and the twins were on holiday, so Holly didn't have to worry about being discovered.

When she and her captive arrived, Juliet started cheering. " You have him! Awesome Holls. Now get him here".

Artemis grunted. " I can't believe you are being this cruel Holly. I thought we were friends?". Holly smirked. "We are. But this is just too good. Can't pass an opportunity like this, can I?".

Artemis didn't react. He looked at Butler with a pleading look. The message was clear; save me! But Butler shrugged and sent a look back saying; I can't help you.

A smile was tugging at the corners of his mouth, but he managed to keep a mostly blank expression. Only people who knew him really well would notice his little smile.

Mulch didn't notice. He walked towards Artemis. " Ah there we have our little model. Let's get this over with. I'm hungry" was all he said.

He motioned Artemis to follow him, what Artemis grudgingly did. Holly walked towards Juliet, who gave her a quick high-five. " Awesome Holly! I am suprised you even got him out of there. How did you do it?".

Holly smirked. " I have my ways. Now , let's enjoy the show".

They didn't have to wait for long. Artemis came out of the dressing room that Mulch had brought with him. Fairy techonology of course. A portable dressing room, very handy.

After a debate between Mulch and Artemis, Artemis came out. Holly's mouth fell a little open. She hadn't expected .. this.

The punishment for losing the bet had been an excellent one. A perfect punishment. Artemis had to allow Mulch to take some pictures of him and Juliet had chosen the clothes. She had promised to not make him wear anything too bad, like her first suggestion; a loincoth, but she still had chosen clothes he would _never _wear.

The first outfit was a leather jacket, a t-shirt and leather jeans. The leather jacket was open and the T-shirt had a v-neck, so you could see a large part of Artemis' chest. His hair , normally so neat, was now all messed up, like he had just woken up.

Holly might hate leather, finding it cruel to kill animals for it, but she couldn't deny Artemis looked great. It wasn't his style, but it was just.. hot. She could only stare when he stood there, his eyes blazing with fire, his entire body tense.

" Juliet. You had promised nothing too horrible". Juliet giggled. " I kept that promise didn't I? You aren't wearing a loincloth. And you look hot! Right Holls?".

Holly shook her head, trying to tear her eyes away from Artemis. It should be prohibted to look like that in a leather outfit. " Eh sure" she said, annoyed she had been influenced like that. It wasn't like her to act like some lovesick puppy, but she just hadn't been ready for this. Artemis Fowl in something else than a suit.

Juliet smiled. "See. She thinks you are hot". Holly blushed. She hadn't even hear Juliet's words. " I didn't mean he was hot. I ehm just think he looks good in that outfit. More like a teenager".

Artemis snorted. " I look like some delinguent. Can I take this off now?". Mulch grinned. " I thought you didn't want anything extreme mad boy- I mean mud boy. Posing naked is quite extreme".

Artemis looked really annoyed. " I didn't mean it like that. And you know it". Mulch shrugged. " Whatever. I still have to take a picture. Go stand over there".

After taking pictures of Artemis in different poses, Mulch sent him back to the dressing room. Holly and Juliet enjoyed the show. Artemis was forced to wear different outfits. All outfits he hated, of course.

Skinny jeans and a black T-shirt. Only skinny jeans ( Holly was suprised to see the mud boy had actually been training and had now some muscles). A cowboy outfit, which made Holly laugh because he looked ridiculous. Another pair of jeans and a tie. The same outfit that Jack Sparrow wore in Pirates of the Caribbean, _including _the wig. That was one of Holly's favorites.

And last but not least, his armani boxers. Both Artemis and the boxers were a beautiful shade of red. Holly was a little red herself, remembering that particular moment. That time she hadn't been looking at him, like now. All she could say was that he actually looked good in it. He might be too pale, but the rest of him.. He looked cute blushing like that.

After a lot of jokes and just enjoying his embaressment, poor Artemis finally was free. He muttered something and walked away. Not that this would be the end of it. Oh no. Juliet and Holly would choose the best pictues. And make a calendar of it.

**Argh. Still no AxH. Not really. But I got the inspiration for this and decided to write it. I will try to make the next one AxH. I am just not good at that, I guess. Might change this one a bit later on. **


	10. Pheromones

**People from the internet, girls and boys,women and men, I do not own Artemis Fowl. Eoin Colfer does. Just to remind you. Oh and one more thing; I don't mind people critizing my stories, but don't complain about it if you don't like it. Just don't read it if you don't like it... Enjoy chapter 10!**

Artemis sighed. He felt exhausted, grumphy and hopeless. He probably looked like it too, with bags under his eyes and disheveled hair.

He had been up for hours, working without any breaks. He had occasionally sipped from a cup of coffee and nibbled on some toast, but he hadn't slept in a long time.

He was in his laboratory. Fowl manor had a lot of chambers, but the one Artemis valued most was a well hidden one. One chamber that only he could find. And maybe Butler. But Butler was his guard, loyal to the Fowls only, and the closest he once had to a father. Now , he was one of Artemis' best friends.

And he normally was the only person that could force Artemis to take a break once he had locked himself in his laboratory. But now, even Butler wouldn't be attainable to force him to stop or just take a short break.

Artemis had almost finished his experiment. He was really close, he knew. And he should be. This experiment had drained a lot of his energy and time. He had been here for the entire day, only stopping to go to the toilet or take a sip from his coffee. And the long, exhausting day was taking its toll. Artemis felt horrible. Just like his laboratory looked.

The laboratory was a mess. Normally, Artemis liked things to be orderly and well-organized, but his laboratory looked like there had been an explosion. There were large piles of papers everywhere, filled with equatations, calculation and notes from Artemis. They were on the ground, on table, everywhere. You could barely walk in there.

Apart from the papers, there were also empty coffee mugs spread through the astonishing large room, pieces of toast , Artemis' tie and jacket, numerous ingredients, a few animals, books, pictures and countless test tubes.

Artemis didn't look much better than his lab. His hair was disheveled, giving him the crazy scientist look, he wore a shirt which was wrinkled and stained, his pants had burning holes on them and were shattered and his shoes had somehow melted when he tried a new reaction. It hadn't worked out really well. The chemicals had reacted a little too strongly for Artemis' liking. And has almost succeeded in setting everything on fire. Including Artemis.

But now, after all the experiments, all the hours of work , he was almost done. And he was relieved. He couldn't have taken it much longer. He needed to sleep too.

He turned back towards his work, focusing hard. He only needed to write one more thing down and do some experiments to assure the formula and substance worked. After that, he would be done.

He was strartled when he suddenly heard Butler's voice. " Artemis? Artemis! Are you there?" he heard. Butler wasn't in his lab of course; the door was looked. And even Butler couldn't take a door made from titanium down. Well, technically he could with the right weaponry, but Artemis would have noticed if Butler had blown up the door or something else.

Artemis had wanted to install some high-tech communication system he had invented himself, and earned a few millions with, but Butler had given him a walkie-takie instead. Which was were Butler's voice was coming from now.

Artemis sighed and pushed the button that allowed Butler to hear Artemis. " Yes Butler, what is so significant you have to bother me while I'm very occupied?" he asked, trying to sound calm and controlled instead of annoyed and tired.

" Sorry Artemis, but Holly can be here any minute. She called me to let know she will be a little early".

Artemis froze. He had totally forgotten Holly would come in a few hours. He had planned to clean his lab a bit before she came. He had promised her to show it, along with some of his newest inventions and experiments. He couldn't show her the lab like it was now!

Butler chuckled. " Had you forgotten she would come, Artemis?".

Artemis cleared his throat. " Unfortunete my old friend, Holly's visit has disappeared from my mind for a few hours. Would it possible for you to delay her for some time so I get the chance to tidy up my laboratory a bit?".

Butler chuckled again. " Sure Artemis. Leave Holly to me and go clean your lab".

Artemis sighed, relieved. " Thank you old friend".

He turned around to inspect the damage. The first thing he would have to change, were the animals. He only used the animals for harmless experiments, but he was assumed Holly would still be furious if she discovered he used animals to experiment on. He opened a hidden closet, hidden by the same techniques chameleons used; camouflage, and put the cages with animals in it. The animals would be fine there.

The next step in making his lab representable was disposing of all the empty coffee mugs and half eaten pieces of toast. He walked towards the corner of his lab and keyed a code on the panel that was on the wall there. A painting shifted and the small, hidden elevator Artemis used to get food when he was in his lab was revealed. He put the food and drink in it and pushed up. He keyed another code and the elevator was hidden once again.

The last thing he would have to change about the state of his lab, was all the papers. He made tidy piles of them and placed them in his filing cabinet, that could only be opened with his finger print and DNA and also consisted of a supercomputer with all Artemis experiments on it. Even Foaly would be impressed if he saw the filing cabinet. It was really modern and Artemis was quite proud of it.

He turned and walked back towards the table with the walkie-talkie on it. " I am prepared to recieve Holly now Butler". " Good, because she is already on her way down with the map you gave her".

Right at that moment, there was a loud baging on the door. Apart from being almost industructable, the doors could be made soundproof by Artemis with one push on a button. They obviously weren't soundproof now, because Artemis could hear Holly's was screaming he should let her in.

Artemis walked towards the door and opened the door by keying the letter-number combination, giving his finger print, allow it to read his DNA, make an iris-scan and speak his password.

After all this, the door finally opened to reveal a certain auburn haired fairy. Holly was dressed in her LEP suit, like always.

She took one look at Artemis and held her hand before her mouth, trying to stop a laughing fit. " Wow Artemis. Trying the mad scientist look huh ?" she said, a few giggles escaping her mouth.

Artemis frowned. _ What does she intend to declare? The mad scientist look? What- _His eyes widened when he realized he had cleaned his lab, but hadn't done anything about himself. He must look horrible.

He looked at Holly, who was still giggling a bit. It must be really bad then. Holly didn't giggle that often, unless she found something very funny. Like her best friend being all disheveled while he was normally dressed in suits.

Artemis sighed. " My apologies for that Holly. I got a little carried away, I am afraid".

Holly finally stopped giggling. " It doesn't matter. The mad scientist look actually fits you".

Artemis rolled his eyes, but didn't say anything. Holly walked inside, looking around her. Her expression was stunned. She obviously was impressed. And she should be. Artemis lab was ultramodern, maybe even more advanced than the newest fairy technology. Only someone like Artemis would have been able to create it.

He smiled at her. "Impressive, don't you think? I created the entire laboratory myself. It took quite some time. It is more advanced than any laboratory on the world and is better guarded than every other facility on earth".

Holly whistled. " Wow. Leave it to Artemis Fowl to create some sciencefiction laboratory. Show me around Arty".

Artemis smiled. " It would be my pleasure". The next hour,Artemis showed Holly his lab. It was gargantuan, with four sections. One section was dedicated to science. Another to physics. Another to neuroscience. And the last one to genetic manipulation.

He showed Holly his latest inventions and all the information he had gathered. He had been occupied with creating eco-friendly technology lately. Cars that ran on water, machines that could erase smog, factories that wouldn't pollute the air and so on. Holly was very impressed when she saw all the process Artemis had made. He had already sold a lot of eco-friendly material and was still busy making new ones.

Everything went fine, Holly and Artemis were chatting, Artemis exclaiming everything when Holly saw the potion. Artemis had totally forgotten it. And that was a very big mistake.

Holly saw the pink-redish potion and ran towards it. " He Arty what is this?" she asked, grabbing the potion and trying to remove the cork that closed it.

Artemis rushed towards her, taking the potion out of her hands. " Holly, don't even contemplate touching that! It is very dangerous".

Holly snorted. " Come on Arty, I have battled goblins, trolls, Opal Koboi, giant squids and the Russian maffia. Why would I be afraid of some substance".

" You don't comprehend! It isn't just any substance, it is filled with pheromones and-".

Before Artemis could explain why it was so dangerous, Holly gave out a cry of victory when she managed to remove the cork. That was when she tripped and spilled the substance all over Artemis. " D'arvit! I hate it when that happens and- what do I smell? Wow Artemis, did you smell this good a minute ago?" Holly asked with a dreamy expression and glazed eyes. She took a step towards Artemis, dropping the test tube in her hands. It broke on the ground, but even the sound of breaking glass couldn't wake Holly from her trance.

Artemis took a few steps back and raised his hands. " Holly, calm down. Listen to me all right? You are under influence of pheromones, meaning your feelings aren't real. Those pheromones make you feel a gargantuan attractiom towards me and- Holly!".

Artemis was interrupted when Holly suddenyl ran towards him and grabbed the collar of his shirt to pull him down. He tried to struggle, but the elf was a lot stronger, despite her height. She pulled him down with a lot of force and roughly pressed her lips on his.

Artemis tried to escape, but Holly wouldn't let him. She pushed her tongue inside his mouth and Artemis felt suddenly dizzy. The feeling of her warm, moist lips on his was overwhelming. Artemis couldn't help himself ( he is still a teenager people) and kissed her back.

He grabbed her hips and lifted her, pulling her against him. She wrapped her legs around him and moved her hands from his collar to his shoulders.

Artemis didn't know how long they had been kissing when Holly pulled back. Her cheeks were flushed, her lips were swollen, her eyes glazed and she looked shocked.

She bit her lip. " Artemis. Why exactly are we kissing ?" she asked. She looked really confused and shocked.

Artemis took a deep, shuddering breath. " You dropped pheromones on me. Something called the Vomeronasal Organthey, which is positioned in your nose of course, detected them and they were transported towards hypothalamus in the cortex of the brain where emotional and emotional responses are produced. The phermones illicited sexual attraction. I strengthened the pheromones that were in that test tube and you are a fairy, with stronger primal senses, so that is why you reacted that strongly" Artemis explained. And tried to ignore the fact he had Holly in his arms and wanted to kiss her again.

Holly blushed. " Oh. So I attacked you?".

" Yes, but I should have warned you earlier" Artemis said. He did feel really guilty. No matter how much _he _wanted to kiss Holly, he would never force her to kiss him. Or trick her into it.

Holly bit her lip." Artemis?".

" Yes?".

" Would you please put me down"?

" Oh sure, sorry". Artemis felt the blood travel to his cheeks and quickly put her down. " Sorry" he mumbled. H

olly stared at the floor. " It doesn't matter. Really". She looked up at Artemis, hesistant. " Is it normal to react like that?" she said.

Artemis blushed even more. " Not really, but it could be you are more sensitive to it because you are an elf". He tried to sound calm, but he didn't really succeed.

" Oh. Well, it could also be because you are an amazing kisser". Holly froze, all blood going to her cheeks, when she realized what she had just said. " I-I didn't, I mean-" she stuttered, her cheeks red from embarressment.

Artemis stared at her, then smirked. " Really?" he asked.

Holly nodded, still red. She didn't look at him.

Artemis hesitated, but decided he should ask. _It is worth the wager. And I have been craving this forever. _

He took a the last mug of coffee, this one filled with black coffee, from the table and threw it over himself.

Holly stared at him, her mouth a little open. Artemis only smirked in response, his normally cold eyes filed with misschief. " You know Holly, I need your help" he purred.

Holly swallowed. " Really? F-for what?".

" Well, I need to know if you reacted like that because you are more sensible to pheromones. I need you to kiss me again, for science. The coffee should neutralize the pheromones".

Holly stared at him for such a long time Artemis had though he had blown it. He blushed, already starting to walk away from her, when she suddenly grabbed his collar again and pulled him down.

They kissed until they were breathless and had to pul apart. " You are definetely an amazing kisser" Holly breathed and pulled him down again for another kiss.

**Tadah! My attempt at some real AxH. What did you think? Love it, hate it? **


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